This morning driving to work on the Fox I was listening to Matt and Jo discuss their paranoia thoughts. To be honest it got me thinking. I was beginning to be interested in the concept of modern day paranoias.

In the ‘olden days’ people were paranoid about different things. Most notably the thought of being excommunicated from the church and therefore not being allowed to enter heaven. A concept that most of us now reject.

Today paranoias exist in our minds in a variety of different manifestations. From the fear of electrocution to ingestion of bacteria. But exactly what can be classed at paranoia and what is OCD?

I live with an OCD’er. And to some extent I believe that each of us have a percentage of OCD related behaviours. But living with an OCD person is hard. I’ve learnt a lot, and I have decided that I actually enjoy the cleanliness of his compulsiveness and to some extent I believe I have harvested it myself. Time will tell.

I have learnt that I don’t mind sharing someone else’s room, but I can’t stand moving my stuff over to share mine. I have vastly become accustomed to living in a large bedroom with only my mess to deal with. It lasts three days before I can’t handle it and I clean everything.

I guess I am paranoid by the build up of mess and the cramping of the space.

But what else am I paranoid about??

I guess the big one is never falling in love and not having children. And this is the hardest and most common interface.

As I sit in my classroom and talk to my year 10s about their romantic Sonnets. I joke about the love letters I used to receive from my boyfriend in high school. Back when life was simple, when all I had to day dream about what how much I loved him.

Fast forward ten years and nothing revolts me more. I couldn’t stand being sent love letters. If I got one I’d need a bucket!!

So what else am I paranoid about? What is it I am obsessed with? It’s unclear. I still like I’d enjoy a printout of my internal dialogue. I think I’d be surprised. But that’s why thoughts are thoughts right??

I’m at the point in my life where I’m a ‘desperato’ for change. Last year I changed my job and my relationships. But found only a circular existence in both. Neither changes were significant enough to satisfy my hunger.

I am now back to the drawing board. I also think it’s almost about time I head to my little Tarot lady to talk about the future that has never happened. I guess my obsession is the need to control the outcomes of my life. And hence a theoretical OCD.

I am no Shakespeare and I’m only a 50% believer in fate. Yet fate gave me a cat. So how am I going to add that into my paranoia??

‘See not the world you want, but the world that exists.’
~Mango